Monday, March 20, 2006

What's Going On In There?

This is a list of random thoughts I had sitting here at the computer. Check it out, find out what’s really going on between the ears….Oh also, ummm…let’s see how can I put this? Well I’ll just put it this way, I kinda scrutinize some religions, including Islam…so if that may offend you don’t read it, if you do read it and find it offensive I at least gave you the politeness of a warning. Trust me, that’s a courtesy not many would get. (Of course not many people start burning shit down over a cartoon either.)


Why the music blows ass when you’re on hold (also known as elevator music; why I don’t know…maybe I’ve just been lucky and dodged all the musical elevators.)

So the question is why are we subjected to this horrible music? Well my theory is this… music that is popular to some would give the impression to those who don’t like it that the bastards that got you on hold in a way favor or cater to those particular people who listen to the shit while ignoring the fact that some people hate the music. That’s not good for business, not to mention it’s all about the dollars not your enjoyment. Here’s an example…okay let’s assume you really hated Nsync while they were popular…you make a call to your local Applebees or some shit to set up a dinner reservation…they put you on hold and you find yourself listening to that goddamn Nsync, wouldn’t you be a little less likely to eat there or even remain on the phone?
So, what’s the solution? Well we know that there is nothing on this planet that every single person likes. However we know there are a few things that everyone hates, elevator music being one of them. So the answer is to play the most horrific, awful music you can possibly find. Yes, listeners will hate it but at least they can rest assured that they’re not alone.


Goddamn people are insecure. The thought above is a prime example but the point really just got rubbed in my face now. I’m sitting here eating some Chinese, and it occurs to me that one: fortune cookies are full of shit. They never say anything bad. Then that takes me to thought two: How insecure are we that we actually have little lies put in our food to assure us that we’re going to be okay? I mean damn it, just one of these times I want to open up a fortune cookie that says you’re going to step in dog shit on the way home or something. Maybe I should go into the fortune cookie business…hmmmm

Can Penguins catch the bird flu? Furthermore, I wonder what penguin taste like?

Why is it that religion’s which people hold to be of supreme importance demand such unimportant task? Take Islam for example, Muhammad taught his followers the 5 root fundamentals of Islam know as the Pillars of Islam:

1) First, all Muslims must acknowledge that there is only one God and that Muhammad is his prophet.
2) Second, they must state that belief in prayer five times a day. On Fridays the noon prayers must be recited in the company of other believers.
3) Third, Muslims must fast between sunrise and sunset during Ramadan, the ninth month of the Muslim calendar.
4) Fourth, Muslims must give generous donations of money and food to the needy in the community.
5) Fifth, Muslims must make a pilgrimage to Mecca at least once in their lives if possible.

And they went crazy because someone drew a fuckin’ cartoon of this guy? Basically all he said was this (or at least this is how I take it):


-First admit I’m right and I’m not insane and it’s not the Opium…an angel really did come and talk to me.
-Second, Just incase you have any doubts about #1; admit it 5 times daily until you’re successfully brain washed.
-Third, if I’ve got you through the first 2 steps then you’re definitely on the hook. So, just while I have you hooked for mine and Gods amusement, don’t eat anytime while the suns out for a month. I was thinking about just having you wear a clown suit for a week but the angel said no dice.
-Fourth, Give money. Money, Money, Money. Now this must have been adopted from the Christians, at least Muhammad’s angel friend added in the “give to the needy” part instead of give to the preacher piggy bank.
-Fifth, follow the trail to the finish line, it may be hard…customs is a real bitch at the airports these days, especially leaving Mecca.

I mean doesn’t that just seem like guidelines for some stupid contest you would find on the back of a cereal box?

Now I’m not just picking on Muslims here, and God I hope none read this. If so, let it be known I claim Texas. All Texans share my opinion; I beg you please don’t burn my entire state down, it’s so dry here one strategically placed fire could engulf it all…Oh my God, we’re also the border state to Mexico. Anyone could sneak in. It would be SO EASY.
Okay, so now that I’ve taken my best shot at saving Texas let’s take a jab at Christianity. Well can anyone explain to me why God demands circumcision? How did that make it into the God department? Here’s another one I just noticed flipping through the bible:

“And in the seventh month, on the first day of the month ye shall have an holy convocation; ye shall do no servile work: it is a day of blowing the trumpets unto you. And ye shall offer a burnt offering for a sweet savour unto the Lord; one young bullock, one ram, and seven rams of the first year without blemish: And their meat offering shall be of flour mingled with oil, three tenth deals for a bullock and two tenth deals for a ram.” ----- Uhhh, would you like fries and a drink with that?

The crazy thing is that all religions are like that. I just don’t get it…I mean I believe in some sort of God but I think some of this stuff is ridiculous. Take the circumcision thing for example, now take this line from the bible… “THIS is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day God created man, in the likeness of God made he him;” So if God created man, not mention in the likeness of himself, then why demand later alterations? Did he just forget about that but didn’t want to issue a safety recall?

Okay, well enough on religion for now…Now that I’ve probably sealed my fate in the form of a jihad followed by an eternity in hell.


If you are fighting to protect your freedom then aren’t you subjecting yourself to oppression?

You know that tongue twister thing, “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood”….what the hell does chuck mean? And how the hell do you twist your tongue for that matter?


Sometimes I see on the news (4give me father I have sinned) that those crazy terrorist people like to take people hostage. Now I'm not your average Joe and I swear I'm not talking out of my ass but I honestly believe that would be one hell of an experience. I would fuck with them so bad they'd have to shoot me. I mean come on folks, you only live once and the first time around isn't much of anything special until you've been taken captive by some crazy asshole that can't even figure out how to detonate bombs without detaching themselves from them first. Think about it, they'd try to be all mean I'd just say fuck off. Then when they videotaped me for the ransom I'd just act like I was having the time of my life. I bet they'd be so confused they'd just let me go, scratchin their fuckin turbines tryin to figure out what kinda crazy ass American they had picked up. They'll learn one of these days....watch and see, they'll kidnapp the wrong white motherfucker....one of those crazy white people who'll chop ya up and eat you for dinner....Yeah then they'll be in for a suprise.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Good Kneivel said...

I agree about the five rules of Islam. I'm no fan of the Christian church, but you have to admit, at leaste the 10 commandments have some actual meaning, at least some of the commandments aren't completely symbolic.

I sort of think of Islam as Christianinty Jr. It's got all the same stuff Christianity has, it's just 500 years behind.

And since you;re doing random thoghts, I just had one: Ever notice that "Islam" is spelled like "I Slam". I think I'll start a religion called "I Slam". It's a punk rock religion, where every wednesday you have to slam-dance for 6 minutes. Unless it's the 3rd Wednesday of the month, in which case you slam-dance for 4 minutes and drink a glass of the holy "Tang". Unless it's in a month that ends with an "Y", in which case you drink half a can of Diet Dr Pepper.

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