Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Liberalism Killed the Fat

I’m a murderer. I’m a killer with words. I have the power to stop a heartbeat without ever setting eyes upon its beholder. It’s a strange thing, I never intended to cause harm, I value every human life but still my actions resulted in a mans demise. My actions; opening my minds eyes for all the world to peek through with nothing more than an outdated computer, a 90 day free trial of AOL that found its way into my mailbox, surely delivered by the devils hand, and the tool of equal if not supreme importance: the keyboard.

This tale begins with an article I wrote some time ago. It was in fact an article that I wrote and posted to this very site. It is important to note the general theme of this site as being quite liberal, quite vulgar, and frankly at times quite insensitive to the ridiculous feelings of others.

Anyways, this article happened to contain the words “heart attack”, “pizza”, and “racing”. The words weren’t directly tied together, they were scattered here and there throughout the article. However, when Dan Montgomery did an internet search for “heart attack symptoms ate pizza now heart racing” the search engine picked up my site as being the most relevant because it contained more matching words than other sites (or so I suppose). You see, this Mr. Montgomery was a heavy man to put it nicely, more accurately he was one fat motherfucker. He was a hardcore conservative, a proud Bush voter and a staunch supporter of anything that his fellow conservatives supported and an even more adamant opponent of anything the “traitorous” liberal democrats supported.

So on this particular evening Mr. Montgomery was feeling kind of ill tempered, he picked up two large meat lovers pan pizzas and hurried home. He walked in the door and collapsed into his leather recliner situated directly in front of his 52” plasma TV, the television screen came to life displaying the last segment of a special report on the conflict that was occurring in Lebanon. The report was on CNN, Mr. Montgomery made it a habit to watch CNN when things were going to hell around the world, he did this so he could dismiss the problems in desperate need of attention as “attempts from the liberal media monopoly to make America look bad”.

A full 5 to 10 minutes passed and Dan Montgomery was devouring the last slice of his second pizza. He took the last bite then licked the grease from his fingers, it was at this time that he noticed his heart had begun beating very hard and rapidly. A look of panic came to his face as his mind began racing, thoughts of dying, stories of people who had suffered heart attacks…GODDAMN WOLF BLITZER! He sputtered. In his panic he hurried to his computer were he sat down and performed the search I spoke of earlier. And as I said earlier it just so happens that my site was the first listed on the results of his search. In his haste he clicked my link without reading any of the information displayed from the site. Expecting to come to some seemingly respectable web page hosting medical information he was indeed shocked when my site was displayed. A little too shocked. The first thing he saw was a bold headline proclaiming “FUCK BUSH”, with that he let out a startled gasp and clenched his chest. Apparently the surprise was more than his heart could bear and in his last breath he managed a final curse on the liberals who in the end took his life, he fell to the floor, his fat, round body rolling until he lay flat on his back no longer breathing. There he died with my words right before him.

In the end, I’m reminded of a popular saying among kids…`Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me’…Ha, what a bunch of bullshit.

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